I overheard a conversation at the grocery store yesterday that seemed a bit on the chilly side of cold. Person A (who had some nice looking croissants in her cart) was trying to convince Person B (who had not bothered to get a cart and was struggling to carry all the items he was planning to purchase) that their mutual friend had some internal struggles she was working through and that perhaps Person B should take that into consideration. Person A went so far as to say, “She has a lot of trauma to work through, you know?”
Person B did not know. Person B’s reply made me want to find the mutual friend and advise her to cut him loose and move on.
Person B rolled his eyes and said, “Trauma is such an overused term, for God’s sake.”
The reason, my friend, that the term “trauma” seems overused is quite simple. The term “trauma” is used so often because there is so much of it.
Perhaps Person B doesn’t yet realize that trauma is not exclusive to a certain type of person or that it’s not only a few war heroes and cases of extreme child abuse who have ever experienced it. Perhaps Person B has trauma of his own buried deep within and is masking things as an avoidance technique. Perhaps it would be educational (and socially helpful) for Person B to learn some empathy for a very intense reality within our society.
The World Health Organization estimates that 70% of the world population will experience a potentially traumatic event within the course of a lifetime. Those events range anywhere from witnessing a violent crime to natural disasters or war, from losing a loved one to emotional/physical abuse, and also include things like discrimination, a financial crisis, job loss, or bullying.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) estimates that over 30% of people have experience four or more traumatic events throughout their lives. So if you are in a restaurant dining with 99 other people seated at tables around you, that means 30 of those people have experienced (or will experience) four or more traumatic events.
That’s a lot of trauma waiting to order an appetizer or a cocktail before dinner.
Incidentally, the NIH also mentions that the US is a country with one of the highest percentages of people being exposed to traumatic events, topping out at 82.7%.
Look around in that same restaurant. 82 out of 100 people deciding between the salmon and a steak have already experienced at least one traumatic event. Sadly, a percentage of those people within that group are actually the ones choosing instead between the chicken tenders and a grilled cheese from the 12 and under menu.
As a further message for Person B…those who have experienced traumatic events and have the best chance of moving forward in a positive and mentally healthy way are those who have someone to talk with about it. Maybe that’s a therapist, maybe. But the chances are greater that the trusted individual (at least initially) is a friend or family member.
I don’t know how Person A reacted while standing in the canned goods aisle or if Person B is still gaslighting the mutual friend, but I am hoping the mutual friend comes to an inner resolution and is able to tap into her resilience in order to progress positively.
As for Person B, at first I was rather irate with you. After some careful reflection, though, I mostly hope that some miracle rains down upon you and manifests in the form of kindness. It would not only be transformative for you, it would do the world some good as well.
Hillary Danaher 